Watching my son change over these last few months has been remarkable.
Since turning 3 years old in April, while also getting the news that he was going to be a big brother, Evander has taken a major growth leap in maturity. Whether it was simply time or the change in our dynamic while pregnant, it has been head spinning and amazing to witness.
The way he has grown to meet the emerging new family dynamic has allowed me to reflect on another layer of change and preparation in this expansion of our family.
We know that children and especially babies and toddlers are in massive growth portals naturally. Some of these developmental milestones happen progressively and others shift seemingly overnight.
I know that we don’t typically think of our adult growth like toddlers but I’m going to argue that we could. The way children grow and evolve shows us the potential and truly shines the light on the limitations we put on ourselves.
As I reflected on why as humans we put up blocks to this kind of growth, it all comes back to control. On our ego’s need for safety.
We like to pretend we can control what’s happening around us so we often resist the unfolding of what is happening naturally.
My son has no resistance against growth because he is 3. It’s the beauty of being a child.
There are times in this journey of preparation for bringing this new babe into the world that I can see there is a balance I’m striking between control and empowered surrender.
Of action and intention and then a letting go. The pendulum swings in this process between gripping and tightening around what I am trying to create in this time period before and when the baby comes and a softening into the experience as it is. Much of what I want to create is already here, which at it’s simplest is a stable, love-infused environment for my growing family and at it’s most complicated requires several large scale changes of schedule, habits, support systems and beyond — coordinating with new and different things and people.
I have a pretty well laid out plan and yet in the process it requires many new things of me so I grip in fear, anxiety and worry. And then I come back to the intention and I soften and let go. It’s a dance of contraction and expansion, much like birth itself.
I am cautious of preparation being another form of control.
Because much of preparation is a letting go of what was and allowing yourself to surrender to the flow of life. It’s an unwinding process that happens organically, we just need to relax and release while we plant seeds along the way.
It is a huge exercise in trust.
We release tension in the body as we relax into trust and it in turns supports the transformation.
Forever the best analogies are from nature. The way we see a snake shed it’s old skin, surrendering to the next version of itself.
Much like the phoenix, the immortal bird of transformation, representing the death and rebirth cycle, which at times is called the winged snake.
When I was in my young 20s, I wanted a tattoo, I planned out a design… that I can’t even remember now and then the night before I changed it all and decided to get a phoenix on my back.
I must say that it felt meant to be because the phoenix has become an emblem of mine and these birds of transformation: the phoenix and the swan (a story for another day) have followed me throughout my life.
A phoenix surrenders to the fire of transformation and is reborn into deeper magic than before. We all do this process whether consciously or unconsciously and it is a huge part of walking the divine feminine path.
The feminine energy within us is a cyclical, regenerative process.
I saw this quote while I was writing this and it anchored in what a continual process of growth our lives are! “ I have grown in so many areas of my life and my journey is just beginning.”
Because change is the only inevitable thing.
As someone has undergone a lot of change, I know that it can feel scary at times but thats why getting support and anchoring into your community is so helpful. We all must grow and our degree of discomfort is our degree of resistance around it .
And what a wonderful thing to grow!
My son these last few months has become a little more brave, a little more confident and ready to help within the family.
He is claiming his role as a big boy instead of a baby. He started putting on his own clothes and eating by himself (which he could do before but always wanted me to do!). He helps with dinner and the dishes. Now we play baby for him to get that extra tender care.
One of the things that has made the biggest difference in my day is that for the last two weeks he has woken up, come our bedroom and said, good morning mommy!
This is compared to what he has done since birth of crying for the first 30 minutes of each day. I have tried everything to see why this might be happening. Of course, concerned for him that maybe he’s not getting enough sleep or food or something else and I feel so relieved that maybe he had grown out of it because waking up that way was challenging for me.
I found ways to make it work for us both where I would light a candle and say my prayers while I held him and bounced him to music but still the wake up into hysteria was tough on my nervous system. I still can’t say I know why this would happen — maybe it was just the surprise of having slept and the upset of being back. Sometimes I can relate.
Whatever it was, what a gift to be able to watch his growth as his mama. I hope I can bring the same level of neutrality and surrender to his growth path as I have cultivated in my own.